Sunday, April 28, 2013


Man, am I ever tired of writing about the Current Resident and murderous Chechens here in America. Maybe I can't do anything about those mooks, but maybe I can bitch about one of the small things that for some reason just irritate the living fuck out of me.

Why the hell is it that whenever you see a slice of carrot cake; for some stupid-ass reason whoever made the shit feels the need to decorate each individual slice with a fucking little bitty orange carrot on the white icing? Nobody makes a litttle angel out of icing for angelfood cake. Ditto no little red pitchfork for devilsfood.

It's really fucking ri-god-damn diculous. The other day, I was in the 7-11 and saw a plastic box with a slice of carrot cake inside. The label clearly said "CARROT CAKE".  So if you like carrot cake then yum fucking yum eat it up. Yet there atop the icing sat a little orange carrot shaped piping of icing.

To me, carrot cake is like rhubarb pie. I can take it or leave it (although I prefer to leave it). Serve me carrot cake and I'll eat it and I won't make disparaging comments. Thanks for the hospitality, etc. So long as you don't do something like put french fried muskrat assholes before me, then thanks. 

But I can't help but wonder if you people who bake and serve and enjoy carrot cake might not be the most insecure people on this planet. It's not enough that everyone knows that it's carrot cake. It's not enough that the packaging clearly says it's carrot cake. There just has to be that little edible carrot symbol on the top.

I have noticed that  a disproportionate number of folks of my acquaintance who love carrot cake seem to be male homosexuals and female nymphomaniacs. Maybe the carrot is a phallic symbol? Or perhaps it's some kind of fertility icon?  Or maybe someone is allergic to carrots, but they don't ice Reese's Cups with a peanut symbol now, do they?

Oh cripes. It just occurred to me that you carrot cake fanatics out there are going to start lobbying for exactly that.  That's another thing about carrot cake. If someone serves you a slice of cake with a little orange carrot decoration on the icing, 99 percent of the time you will be dealing with a liberal Democrat. 

So hey, thanks for the warning.

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