August 27 2017
City officials in the Nation's Capital are red with embarrassment as they struggle to quash a "special use" building permit obtained by "Alt Right" leader Spencer Richards. The purpose of the permit is to allow the demolition of a souvenir shop across the street from Ford's Theater (and next to the house where President Abraham Lincoln died) in order that a statue memorializing what Richards calls "The alleged" assassin of Lincoln, Confederate sympathizer and actor John Wilkes Booth.
The property was purchased by a "front group" and the Special Use permit stated only that the property was to be used as the site of "a memorial".
"We just assumed it was gonna be a memorial by some private person, and that the subject of the memorial was going to be President Lincoln' said a D.C. official who declined to be identified. 'I mean, who could have even thought about this crazy-ass shit happening here in the 21st Century? And less than a month after Charlottesville?"
"We just wanted to get the truth out' said Richards when asked why his group had performed such an elaborate ruse. 'Booth didn't shoot Lincoln. Lincoln shot himself, and Booth fled thinking - and rightly so - that he'd be blamed for Lincoln's death".
Richards claims that Booth had only gone to Ford's Theater to deliver a message to Lincoln:
"Lincoln had been drinking heavily during the last few weeks of the war' Richards claimed; 'And Booth went to the Theater to inform the President of the fact that he had freed the slaves whilst he had been drunk. He was carrying a letter informing the President of that fact as he approached the Presidential Box."
Richards produced a copy of the letter, which he claimed had been found in the alley behind Ford's Theater by an unknown person and given to Richard's organization by descendants of that individual, who wish to remain anonymous. The letter reads:
Dear Mr. President:
It is my concern that you did not, by reason of your inebriation, know what you were doing when you freed all the slaves earlier this year. Please reflect on this fact, and rescind your order. Respectfully, JWB.
According to Richards, Booth told Dr. Samuel Mudd that when Lincoln read the letter, he gasped, started and handed the missive back to Booth as he said "I FREED THE WHAT!??!!" Handing the letter back to Booth, Lincoln drew a derringer from his pocket and shot himself in the head.
As to additional elements to the assassination, Richards claims that Mary Todd Lincoln told Major Rathbone that if Lincoln's death were deemed a suicide, she would be ineligible to benefit from the multimillion dollar life insurance policy on Lincoln's life. So Rathbone stabbed himself with a dagger and threw it into the alley where Booth was escaping.
The other alleged "conspirators", claims Richards, were people Booth knew and were only coincidentally involved with incidents erroneously tied to the assassination. George Atzerott was only trying to burglarize Vice President Johnson's hotel suite; and Louis Paine attempted to kill Secretary of State Seward for drugging his 12 year old niece with laudanum and molesting her in the woods in what is now Rock Creek Park.
Richards' claims have been met with extreme skepticism by most members of the public, and City officials have filed for a restraining order forbidding the "alt right" from doing any work or demolition on the site while they attempt to revoke the permit on grounds of fraud and deception by Richards and his group. The next hearing on this matter is scheduled in D.C. Superior Court for October 13th.
Note to readers: The foregoing post is SATIRE. NO ONE (at least to our knowledge) is planning such and outrageous memorial. This blog post is nothing but satire... and click bait. Got it?