Thursday, November 26, 2009


WELL YOU MAY WONDER JUST EXACTLY WHAT WE AT THE ALEXANDRIA DAILY POOP FEEL THANKFUL FOR THIS ANNUAL DAY OF GRATITUDE; what with a communist nincompoop running the country (to the ground) and bowing to foreign princes and putting war criminals into our civilian criminal justice system; with a recession that just seems like it will never let up, with us personally on the verge of losing everything and we do mean everything. And we do say that we try to be cynical but it is really hard keeping up these days. But we will give it a go.

Let us give thanks that "president" Obama has not been killed, despite the fact that a couple of party crashers fast-talked their way uninvited to a STATE DINNER AT THE WHITE HOUSE OH MAH GAWD. We at the ADP cannot stand "president" Obama, but we prefer he be impeached or voted out of the White House and not carried out. Otherwise the riots that would ensue would be horrendous. And let's not even mention the possibility of "president" Barack Hussein Obama in Arlington Cemetery. Isn't it bad enough that Ted Kennedy is taking his dirt nap there?

Let us be thankful for our Constitution, which mandates that the entire US House of Representaatives and one third of the Senate be up for grabs every two years. This arrangement has forced the hand of the DemonRatz. They have gone too far too fast and America is waking up to the hustle. The "wait a minute, not so fast" instinct has kicked in. And indeed Obama and the Ratz stink so badly that not even Saturday Night Live can stand it.

And thanks be for the blessing of the talent of whomever hacked and published the Emails of a cabal of corrupt "scientists" who have been trying to scare us all about "global Warming" or "climate change" or whatever they are going to call it now that it has been exposed as a fraud.

And personally we are thankful for hope itself; and for the good friends with whom we will partake of the Thanksgiving feast later this afternoon. Whether you are feasting and hanging out with friends, family or both this day; be aware that in the end it is just that closeness and bonhommie that makes life livable even in these somewhat dark days. The smile and the laughter of a friend or a family member is something money cannot buy. But in extremity it can easily be obtained by the simple device of falling down slam on your ass.

From the multiple personalities who produce and edit the Alexandria Daily Poop.

Friday, November 20, 2009

GOODBYEll OPRAH WINFREY (Has it really been 25 years?)

THE ALEXANDRIA DAILY POOP WOULD LIKE TO BID FAREWELL TO OPRAH WINFREY AND HER TALK SHOW. Unfortunately we will not be able to do this until next year. Besides, we will believe it when we see it happen.
Oprah evidently cannot wait either as she got all weepy during the announcement of her (allegedly) pending retirement. Most long-running hosts (Johnny Carson, eg) save the waterworks for the final signoff but Oprah has - face it, people - made a living out of being a drama queen. Hence the boohoohoo one year in advance..
As far as we can tell, Oprah is mainly notable for being a former fat pig who lost so much weight that she pulled a kid's wagon full of lard to show the equivalent amount of fat she had lost. That, and her book club; and most recently her endorsement of Barack Hussein Obama last year during the elections. Oh yes, and she is also one of those uber rich lefties who support higher taxes on the rich except, of course her and her ilk because; being one of the "liberal elite" she can spend her money wisely. As for the rest of us, we need to have our money confiscated for our own good.
Basically Oprah Winfrey has made her money by being a professional public spectacle. She has pulled this off successfully, but we at the Alexandria Daily Poop have for the most part ignored her as the inconsequential twit that she is. Twenty-five years? She has been in the public eye that long?

Well, toodles, Oprah. Maybe you will finally shut the fuck up and go back to porking out. We can only hope.....

Thursday, November 12, 2009


SOMEONE MADE A COMMENT ON THE MOST RECENT POST ON THIS BLOG; TO WIT: "ISLAM EXPLAINED" This comment was made anonymously, and for the purposes of this post I am dropping the editorial "we" and addressing the matter personally.

I do not require folks to identify themselves when they make comments. But the commentator addressing the aforementioned post said: "Catch AIDS and die like you deserve you filthy faggot". I deleted that comment, but on reflection I have decided to put it up front here so the world can see what an ass the commentor is. I have the following to say to this person:

YOU, SIR, ARE A FUCKING COWARD. I put my name to my statements. You did not put your name to yours. You are a pissant, bub. An inconsequential pissant who is scared to death to put his name to his own words. I dare you, you despicable pussy, to post the comment with your name on it. Of course you will not.

I do not hide my name or who I am. I do not say or do or post one single thing on the Internet or anywhere else that I would not be quite happy to see published on the front page of the local newspaper. YOU however seem to think you can hide behind the Internet. You are a sissyboy. There are faggots galore who could knock you into next week, and you are obviously scared shitless. You poor pathetic little pussyboy. Go suck your thumb.

Monday, November 9, 2009


WE AT THE ALEXANDRIA DAILY POOP HAVE NOT ADDRESSED THE TERRORIST MASSACRE AT FT. HOOD, KILLEEN, TEXAS because we believe suffficient has been written and said by persons closer to the investigation than we are. However many people do not realize that the globe is caught up in a famly feud that makes the Hatfields and McCoys look like an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond". Here is how the whole shebang we are in now got started:

ONCE UPON A TIME ABOUT 4,000 YEARS AGO there was a man named Abraham who married a woman named Sarah. Christians, Jews, and Moslems claim Abraham as the founder of their respective Faiths. Well, Abraham and Sarah were married for years and no luck with kids. So Sarah gave Abraham permission to ssleep with her maid so that he might have an heir. Abraham did so, and the maid, Hagar, gave birth to a little boy named Ishmael.

BUT SARAH BECAME JEALOUS OF HAGAR and threw her and the boy out of the house after smacking Hagar around. Now God, it is believed, had promised Abraham that He, God, would "Make of" Abraham "a great multitude". He also gave this promise to Ishmael. Anyway Sarah then herself became prefgnant by Abraham and bore him a son named Isaac. Then Sarah let Haagar come back into the house. They never really got along after that, though......

AND SO IT WAS THAT ISSAC BECAME THE FATHER OF JOSEPH, THE PATRIARCH OF ISRAEL AND THE JEWS, from whom would come Jesus and Christianity. Ishmael became the patriarch of the nomadic Arab tribes, who went about worshipping various versions of the Sumerian gods Baal and Molech.

FAST FORWARD TWO THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED YEARS OR SO. An Arab named Mohammed had a desire to unite all the Arab people, who fought each other over who had the best Baal and/or who Baal liked best; as well as over pastures and wells and just about anything else they could think of. Now Mohammed was nothing if not observant; and he observed that the Jews and the Christians seemed to have their acts pretty much together. And he divined that the concept of one God meant a few hundred less gods to fight about.

AND SO MOHAMMED HAD A MASTER STROKE OF INSPIRATION. He picked and chose verses from the Jewish and Christian Scriptures and mixed in some uniquely Arab viewpoints to make the whole thing go down well with Arabs; and created a religious text called the Koran, which he peddled as having been divinely revealed to he, Mohammed. In another masterpiece of political acumen, he had the various tribes deposit their idols to be "imprisioned" in the Kaaba Stone in Mecca. That way they could still be kinda-sorta bowing to the old gods when they faced Mecca to pray. (We bet you didn't know what was inside that big thing, did you??) For stubborn folks, there was the famous "conversion by the sword".

HOWEVER ISLAM'S BIGGEST APPEAL TO THE ARABS WAS AN APPEAL OF GROUP VICTIMHOOD. Ishmael, said Mohammed, was Abraham's Firstborn Son and Issaac had stolen the Blessings of God that passed through Abraham, and so you see no wonder the Jews and Christians were doing so well while the Arabs wandered the desert. The lousy Jews stole the Arab birthright to rule the planet. The whole business got out of hand rather quickly. Things got rather bloody in a lot of places, and cracks were developing in Islam itself.

THEN, WITHOUT HAVING BOTHERED TO NAME HIS SUCCESSOR AS HEAD OF ISLAM ON EARTH NOR TO DESIGNATE A PROCESS FOR CHOOSING ONE, MOHAMMAD DIED. This split Islam into two warrring camps: The Shia who believe the leader must be a descendant of Mohammed; and the Sunni who believe he should be chosen by the Imams. And these two split up into various sects. And the sons of Ishmael continue to fight the sons of Issaac (when they are not fighting each other) to this day.

NOW THIS WOULD NOT AMOUNT TO MUCH MORE THAN YOUR AVERAGE FAMILY FIGHT OVER WHO GETS GRANDPA'S HOUSE AND CAR except that this whole mess happens to have been plopped down on top of the largest deposits of energy reserves on the planet. Now the whole world has been dragged into this deadly family feud, and the dangers and consequenses are enourmous.

ALL THIS, because 4,000 years ago a married man named Abraham slept with a woman other than his wife. It is a real corker, isn't it??

Monday, November 2, 2009


IT HAS BEEN SUGGESTED TO US THAT A GOOD WAY OF INCREASING OUR READERSHIP WOULD BE TO INCLUDE A "SPORTS COLUMN". Now while the title of this collection of - well, whatever - is titled "The Alexandria Daily Poop"; we rather doubt anyone takes a laptop into the crapper to read us. (We do not doubt that there are those who communicate electronically whilst relieving themselves, we have beheld a "Twitter" message consisting of the words : "still pooping"; and we are NOT making this up.)

ACTUALLY however we have an aversion to sports for several reasons. When we were 14 or so and in a game of sandlot football, we caught a pass interception. And promptly ran it into our own team's end zone. On our last visit to our hometown we ran into an old classmate and the first thing he mentioned was that long-ago mistake. Forty two years is a long time not to live something down. But our aversion to sports is not solely due to this embarrasssing incident.

NOR IS IT SOLELY DUE to the abysmal performance of the "local" football and baseball teams (the Washington Redskins and the Washington Nationals, respectively). A clue to our aversion, however, can be obtained by noticing the quote marks around "local" above.

THE WORDS TO THE "REDSKINS THEME SONG" include the words "Fight on 'til you have won Sons of Washington!". Yeah, right. The last "son of Washington" was (correct me if I am wrong) Sonny Juergenson; and he was (again correct me if I am wrong but with that accent...) a hick from the Maryland suburbs. That;s like calling us a "son of Alexandria" when in fact we were born in Indianapolis and grew up in Huber Heights, Ohio. Whatever these Redskins are, they are not sons of anywhere NEAR Washington DC (nor the vicinity). Moreover what they mostly are and have been for several years and a half dozen coaches (or more, we have stopped keeping track) a bunch of showboating primadonnas with one eye on the TV cameras when both eyes should be on the game.

SIMILARLY OUR "BASEBALL TEAM" the Washington Nationals is actually a team from the Northern Autonomous Territory (AKA "Canada") whose record was so abysmal that the team was renamed and the stats jettisoned. Or maybe "Expos" is exactly what a Washington pol wants to avoid. In any event, another bunch of out of towners posing as the home team. And not much there to root root root for, unless you want to root in the ground with your nose for their standings

BASKETBALL?? The old "Capitol Bullets" had their name changed to the "Washington Wizards" by folks who were concerned about the violence in the National Capital City. Well, the violence continues unnabated but the "Wizards" are becoming legendary for transforming success into failure. They ought to be re-renamed the "Reverse Merlins"

HOCKEY!!! Yeah, we got a pretty good hockey team. Bunch of goddamned Russians like some REAL AMERICANS MANAGED TO DEFEAT AT LAKE PLACID IN 1980 but at least they manage to win a few.

There is solace, however, in the fact that the teams which beat the pants off "our guys" are not really "their guys" either. Players criss-cross the Nation (and the globe!) either being "draft picks" or whoring themselves independently as "free agents' being bought and sold by representatives of consortiums or dumbasses like Redskins owner Danny Snyder.

WE DO NOT DOUBT THAT ATHLETIC ENDEAVORS ARE DEMANDING and that watching skilled competition is exciting. But for all any of it really means anymore, what with the "home team" being from everywhere but "home" and with the players being called "role models" except when they are staging dogfights, injecting steroids, shooting themselves acidentally in nightclubs etc; the teams might as well be called "Western District 1" or "Eastern District 4".

THEREFORE this is the first and the last time we will write of such twaddle on these Epages. Of all human endeavor, professional sports is perhaps the most over rated and least consequential, or at least so say we at the Alexandria Daily Poop.


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