Well, gentle readers, it has been some few years since we put out the New Year's Eve post. We are at the moment propped up in the sack enjoying breakfast and preparing to deal with the celebrating public for the next 36 hours (or more). We will have OUR champagne when we are finally done (Actually our traditional sparkling wine here at the ADP is Freixenet Black Spanish,which isn't - strictly speaking - Champagne; so sue us. So without further ado, let us begin with our
REVIEW OF 2016
This final year of the administration - if it can be called that - of White House Resident Barack Hussein Obama has been a real roller-coaster of ups and downs. A mind-boggling quantity of celebrities and entertainers passed away this year (But Mick Jagger evidently endureth forever). But this being an election year, politics overlaid nearly everything that was happening. And of course with the Left controlling the media just about everything was linked in some way with a sideways snark at the man they were trying to prevent from gaining the White House, our President-Elect Donald J. Trump.
Politics, politics, politics. 2016 was all about politics, and particularly the increasingly desperate efforts of the American Statist Progressives (ASPs, because they are a bunch of treacherous vipers) to prevent the Republicans from controlling all three branches of the Federal government. And oddly enough, the weapon they thought they had was the self-same Donald Trump; who will now be sworn in on January 20th as President of the United States of America.
The highest prize in this year's elections was of course the say in who will be nominated to the Supreme Court. This was made unfathomably more important by the untimely - and many say suspicious - death of conservative lion Antonin Scalia. And this fact alone - that Donald Trump will make those calls and not Hillary Clinton - has been the single most powerful driving force behind the unhinged protests of the ASPs and their brainwashed adherents.
Thus Donald J. Trump is not only TIME magazine's "Person of the Year" for 2016. In our opinion Trump IS 2016 personified. We have never seen such a convulsion of the Left in this country as they realized that their whole hundred years work in their effort to cement socialism to our daily lives was about to collapse under the administration of Donald Trump. And the ASPs will not give up (we are thinking of that line in the movie Gladiator where a Roman general says that someone should tell the Germans that they've been conquered) but will continue to be as much of a pain in the ass as possible.
THE 2016 IDIOT OF THE YEAR AWARD
Since we haven't done this for a few years, a recap on the purpose and qualifications for this "prize" may be in order.
"Idiot of the Year" is awarded not to some nationally known doofus but rather to someone we have met in the course of our day-to-day operation of a taxicab in the National Capital Region. This is because we believe that idiocy on a large scale is underpinned by idiocy on a small scale. For instance, millions of "little" idiots elected Barack Obama and his idiot administration.
Past recipients have been a federal government employee who upon being told the significance of December 7th wished us "Happy Pearl Harbor Day" (yeesh) and a man who summoned us to open the doors to his vehicle because he had locked his keys in, and then did not want to pay us because we merely reached into the window he had left open and retrieved his keys.
The successful candidate for Idiot of the Year will say, do or brag about something in my presence which is idiotically incommensurate with his or her level of social standing, wealth, and/or education. People who are genuinely retarded or otherwise mentally defective are disqualified, since it's not their fault they are simpletons. Also alcohol and substance intoxication are disqualifying factors, as in this competition they are "performance enhancing drugs". However, bragging (while sober) about some stupid thing one did whilst drunk or high puts you into the running. Candidates for Idiot of the Year are people who damn well ought to know better.
And now we announce and award our traditional prize to the winner of
THE ALEXANDRIA DAILY POOP ANNUAL
A few months ago we were waiting in front of a D.C. office building waiting for a passenger. Directly over our head was a sign that said "NO PARKING - ENTRANCE". In front of us was a "NO PARKING - BUS ZONE" sign and in back of us was a red curb with a fire hydrant in the middle of the red zone. Presently some guy in a BMW pulled up alongside me and asked:
"CAN I PARK HERE?"
Yes, of course you may, you stupid bastard. See, I not only drive a cab, but I'm also in charge of parking control for the entire DC Metropolitan Area. If you get towed, just tell them I said you could park there and they'll release your car. Hell, they'll even deliver it to you, on my orders. Never mind the signs and the painted curb. I'm feeling generous today, so just park wherever you want.
You, you idiot, are a symptom of what's wrong with this entire country. You want to make what is OBVIOUSLY a WRONG choice and think if you get someone - ANYONE - to validate it, it'll be okay. It won't. When your car gets towed, you won't blame yourself, you'll blame ME even though it was YOUR responsibility to READ THE DAMN SIGNS AND OBEY THEM!
And to top it off, you are almost as old as me and not some idiot Millennial. When MY generation acts as stupidly as the present crop of young adults, it's nothing short of alarming.
And so you, Mr. "Ask the cabbie for permission to break the law" are the recipient of the dubious honor of being named
IDIOT OF THE YEAR 2016!
As usual, the "prize" is our suggestion to you that you and your offspring if any get sterilized as to avoid bringing in another generation of imbeciles. We have enough of you already.
OUR PREDICTIONS FOR 2017
In the upcoming sentencing phase of the trial of convicted mass murderer Dylann Roof, it will be revealed that the "family secret" he was trying to conceal by acting as his own counsel and calling no witnesses is that Roof is bisexual and was engaged in a sexual relationship with a family member; perhaps his own mother: and would sooner die than have this brought to light. Roof will be sentenced to life without parole and will seek protection with some "ARYAN" gang in prison, and wind up as the sexual property of some Nazi.
Having eliminated the "60 votes for closure of debate" rule, some Democrat senator will drop dead trying to filibuster the old fashioned way (by just not shutting up when he has the floor). And good riddance.
Donald Trump will continue to astonish and amaze opponents and friends alike with his adroit handling of the government. Within the year the position of the United States on the world stage will be restored as the world's pre-eminent superpower.
And the ASPs will continue their lunacy until everyone (almost) finally percieves them to be the depraved loons they are.
Russia and the USA will finally get the Middle East under control. The war on the extremist radical Islamists will be waged properly: ie; until they surrender or are all dead.
And it is our hope here at the ADP that each and every one of our gentle readers has a very happy and prosperous New Year in 2017.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2017 FROM THE ALEXANDRIA DAILY POOP!