A TALE OUT OF SCHOOL

Gentle readers, there are a couple of topics I wanted to comment on today. Famous Southern cook Paula Deen got fired from the Food Network yesterday, All of the information we have right now is that she was forced - under oath- to admit that she had in the past used what is now (and over-delicately) referred to as "the N-word". However here at the Alexandria Daily Poop we do not believe in tiptoeing around. Deen admitted under oath that she had used the word "nigger". 

 

Actually, if you put everyone who speaks even marginal English who had at some point in thier lives used that word on one end of a lever and everyone who speaks English who had never used that word on the other end, the lever would have to be ten thousand miles long and the fulcrum placed ten inches from the group who had used the "n-word" in order that the weight of those who had never used it to raise the first group half an inch. But before we comment any further, we want to read up as much as possible on this, because Paula Deen is a liberal dumbass (who can cook up a storm, we'll give her that) and there may be more to this than just some utterances decades ago. So other than what we have just written here, we will withhold comment.

 

Also, today being Saturday we have witnessed a lot of kids' programming, and there was an emphasis on handling "bullies". We have a lot to say about that, but not today. However we will encapsulate our advice to younguns who are dealing with bullies thusly: Kick the bully in the balls. That's the only language they understand. We will address the bully issue soon, we promise.

 

But today we were working on our next novel, and thought about some things contained in The Peterson Investigation, our first novel (available on Kindle for a buck ninety-nine).  The story is set in my hometown of Huber Heights, Ohio and although all people and events are fictional, there are flashbacks to incidents in the pasts of the characters that were taken directly from incidents that happened back in school when I was a student at Wayne High School. These were embellished a bit, of course; and were included so as to give a flavor of where the characters were coming from culturally. 

 

(I've dropped the editorial "we" to make the mood more intimate)

 

One incident based on a true story related to this real incident. I was in 9th grade English, and we as a class were taking turns reading aloud from a story about a bunch of teenagers making supper. I had just read a passage about a girl taking a noodle casserole out of the oven and dropping it. splattering it all over the floor.  Next up was Joe K.. (I bet somebody is reading this who was right there and knows what I am talking about).

 

Joe was one of those kids who read without any voice inflection to deliniate punctuation and diacritical marks.  For instance, instead of : "Mom brought home a puppy! We were so excited!" a kid like Joe would read: "Mom-brought-home-a-puppy-we-were-so-ex-it-ed" in a flat monotone. 

 

Well, folks, Joe wound up voicing the boy who saw the noodles splatter.  What ought to have come out of his mouth was: "Oh, my!' Tom ejaculated', ("Ejaculated" in context meaning "blurted out"), 'That's quite a mess!"

 

Instead, Joe read out: "Oh my. Tom ejaculated. That's quite a mess."  Twenty five kids plus the teacher convulsed with laughter as Joe turned as red as a stop-sign. 

 

True story, readers. Hand to God, I swear to you this actually happened. 

 

Hey, it's the weekend and a full moon. Serious shit can wait.