Officials at the National Zoo in Washington D.C. announced yesterday that the giant panda cub recently born there had died.
Within hours of the announcement, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney read the following statement, written by Mr. Obama:
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I am just going to read to you a short statement from the Office of the President concerning the tragic death of the newborn giant panda cub at the National Zoo. The statement is as follows:
'All of America is in mourning today as we learn more and more about the unfortunate demise of the poor baby panda at our National Zoological Park. We join our fellow Americans as we unite in our grief. An investigation is underway to determine the why and the how of this tragic event.
This was a very preventable tragedy. Two factors stand out as major contributing causes.
First, the tax cuts for the rich instituted by my predecessor, George W. Bush, deprived the Zoo of funding which could have been used to develop safeguards and guidelines which could have averted this tragedy. Were it not for the Bush tax cuts, more state-of-the-art veterinary equipment might have been available to perhaps revive this innocent and fragile little cub.
Second, it has been reported that Zoo staffers assigned to monitor the mother panda and her cub were entertaining themselves by watching a You Tube video which made light of neglectful parents. This video was played within earshot of the mother panda, and it is believed that the mother panda may have taken the pretended endorsement of neglect as good advice; coming as it did from the room where she knew her trusted keepers were watching over her. It is our understanding that all of these keepers were hired by my predecessor's administration.
Correcting these and other flaws inherited from the previous administration will take more time. I ask all Americans to grant me another four years to complete this task. God bless the United States of America'
THE PRECEEDING WAS A SATIRE FROM THE ALEXANDRIA DAILY POOP, IN CASE ANYONE IS TOO DAMNED DENSE TO REALIZE THIS.