DIMATHA HIGH FOOTBALLERS: PLEASE EXPLAIN TO US WHY A YOUNG, HANDSOME, RIPPED AND FIT YOUNG MAN WOULD NEED THE HIRE OF A PROSTITUTE?

A particularly shocking item in the D.C. area local news this week revealed that several members of the DiMatha High School football team (located, thank God, in Maryland and not here on the other side of the Potomac Moat) had, while in some other town on some sort of "exhibition" game, hired prostitutes from a call girl service. A couple of the boys involved have been expelled from school entirely and all involved have been removed from the DiMatha athletic program.

 

Really, boys? Whores? Whores are for guys who can't get any and have to pay for "it".  And whores aren't all that attractive, either. Not to mention, when you have sex with one you are probably gonna be the fifth or sixth guy to do that with her - maybe even the sixteenth - in the last 24 hours. God only knows what you kids were sticking your willies into. Herpes? Gonnorhea? Syphilis? (Maybe even HIV, but female-to-male transmission of HIV is rather less common than if the new infectee is getting penetrated).

 

I don't know why, but I and a couple other adults I know have been "shoulder-tapped" by high school kids and asked to obtain Viagra for them. Viagra? You horn-dogs need saltpeter, not Viagra. Hells bells, sailor; I don't even need Viagra. I can cut diamonds with it on the worst day, and I'm 59 fucking years old.

 

And another thing. Where the fuck do you kids get the bucks to hire a slut? Has some college talent scout given you a stipend or are you just spoiled brats who get too much allowance? And if you have some kind of after-school job that pays that well, then your folks should charge you room and board.

 

Cheese and rice, you guys. If you football heroes are that damn desperate, go down to the CVS and get a bottle of Corn Husker's Lotion and a copy of Penthouse or something. That's what I (and my pals) did when we were in high school, and it's way cheaper than a whore, it won't give you anything worse than naybe a paper cut, and nobody is going to kick you out of school and make a big deal about it if you get caught yanking your doodle in the bathroom.

 

(By the way, Noxema is OK in a pinch, but don't use Vicks. Now behave.)