I AM NOT DEAD, PEOPLE.

IT SEEMS AS THOUGH MY LAST SATIRICAL POST HAS HAD A FEW UNINTENDED CONSEQUENSES.  NOW HEAR THIS: I AM NOT DECEASED, at least as of this writing.

However, yesterday a female acquaintance ran into me outside a convenience store, screamed, and fainted. We had not seen one another in a few years, and just by coincidence she had on Monday used a name-search program to see what I might be doing. The first item she ran into was the phony "death notice", but the search results only showed the first paragraph stating I had "passed". She had assumed I was dead, and had told several others. So when she saw me, she thought she was seeing a freaking ghost.

I am happy to report that I was not seriously injured as my lady-friend slammed me with her purse as she simultaneously giggled and wept. Emotional overload, I suppose; but I must say that it was easily avoidable. Repeat after me: IF YOU SEE SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET, VERIFY IT BEFORE ACCEPTING IT AS THE TRUTH.  A simple click on the link and a read of the entire post - scroll down, it's immediately before this one - would have revealed it as the lame joke it was meant to be.

This is not the first time this has happened to me, albeit it is the first time it has been done by my own hand.  Eight months ago I found out that when you google my full legal name, the first thing that pops up is the profile of a registered Florida sex offender. This asshole has my EXACT full name to the letter, and if you check the profile you can damn well SEE that he doesn't look a damn thing like me. This probably explains why it takes three to ten hours for the Brady Check to clear me whenever I buy a new firearm.