My, we've been awfully serious and dire lately, haven't we? Well, the opposite of gravity is levity; and we recieved a much needed dose of it thanks to the former fattie Al Roker yesterday afternoon.
We had just gotten off duty and had grabbed a beer and sat down and turned on the TV. The first image that we beheld was that of NBC personality Al Roker.
Just as we had taken our first swig of beer, Roker said: "I pooped my pants".
We immediately and involuntarily did a classic "spit-take" as beer spewed from our mouth and our nose. Believe us, a carbonated beverage being forced under pressure through one's nasal passages is an extremely unpleasant sensation; yet we could not stop laughing. We very literally fell out of the chair we were sitting in. The last time we remember being so convulsed at a serious utterance was when Admiral Stockdale said, as his introduction during the 1992 Vice Presidential debate: "Who am I? Why am I here?".
We calmed down enough in time to hear Roker explain that he was walking to the White House Press Room, and thought he was going to fart. But instead, he explained, he "pooped".
This caused us to indulge in even more gales of laughter. And what was just preciously absurd was that he was being interviewed about this, and both he and the interviewer held straight faces. You see, they were discussing a Very Serious Matter.
The Very Serious Matter was something to do with the supposed risks of having one's stomach capacity surgically restricted. And the premisies of the necessity of telling this embarrasing story to the nation was supposedly to let folks to know that THIS MIGHT HAPPEN TO YOU if you've had similar surgery.
Actually, this surgery has been around for decades and had "pooping your pants" been a common consequense, doctors would advise patients who had the surgery on how to avoid poop-laden farts. We were still laughing pretty hard - the more Roker and his interviewer spoke, the more ridiculous the situation became - but what we gathered was that the real reason Roker told this story was because some book he wrote was not selling well.
Well, our books aren't selling that well. But we are not going to go on national television and tell folks we pooped our pants, even if we could sell a million copies by doing so. Even if we had, in fact, pooped our pants. We promise each and every one of our three readers that in the event we ever poop our pants, we will keep that news to ourselves by every single expediency available to us. If called to testify about pants-poopage before the Congress, we will take the 5th.
It rather irks us here at the Alexandria Daily Poop, however, that from time to time we have to report on matters involving defacation. Just so you know, here's a reminder: The "poop" in the title of this publication refers to information and not to ca-ca.
Nonetheless, this occurrence was a great example of exactly why the commentators of the lamestream, drive-by media are not to be taken seriously. It's hard to imagine why anyone who reports on an embarrassing pants accident; or anyone who confesses to such; doing so with a straight face and the attitude that There Is Nothing Funny About It and that crapping one's drawers and then publicly speaking about it as if it were not something of a joke; could think that anyone would take them seriously thereafter.
Old Al Roker, broken hearted, took a poop when he thought he'd farted.