WHAT IN HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU KIDS?

From time to time, I check what words people are using to search for this e-rag. Many of these phrases contain the word "poop", so some time ago I started trying to see if this here blog was "Creme de la Poop", ie; the first thing that pops up when you google "poop".  So far it's so far down I can't even locate it in the limited time I have (seeing as how I have to work); but I have as usual uncovered some truly disturbing items.

There is a person, a female I hope, who has posted something called "How I stopped worrying and learned to love pooping while giving birth".

How informative.

However I also came across a video titled "Boogie 'Til You Poop".  After updating my security program, I downloaded the video.

The vid depicted a young man in his mid-20s on a rock climbing outing with some friends. About 80 feet up the face of some cliff, he gets his knee stuck in a fissure and his friend has to rappell down to help free him.  While his pal is below him trying to work his leg loose....

You guessed it, folks. 

Back in my day, we didn't have people carrying cameras everywhere and filming every damned bone-headed thing we did, LET ALONE TELEVISING IT FOR THE WORLD TO SEE SOME OF THE MOST EMBARRASSING STUFF THAT EVER HAPPENED TO US!! Yeah, it's a quality of friendship to be able to laugh about dangling beneath a close friend who is helplessly trapped and realizing he has crapped his pants. But it is NOT the story of Damon and Pythias by a long shot. And between those who were there it may well be a funny story to share between themselves when, years later, they are gathered together remeniscing.

Can you imagine this kid becoming the Ambassador to China about 25 years from now, and when he meets the leader of Red China, he doesn't know it but the commie is thinking: "ah, so, he poop on friend. Must be careful."

Well, I always wanted to know what you kids who vote for Obama do for fun. Now I know.  Gah.

REASON NUMBER 134 WHY I CALL THE POTOMAC RIVER "THE MOAT"

I live in Virginia, across the Potomac river from Washington, D.C.; and I love the Potomac because it forms a natural barrier. I call it "The Moat".

Washington, D.C. is run by some of the screwiest people in this country. (I am talking about the local city government). It used to be run by three commissioners appointed by Congress, but in 1974 it was decided to allow the District (as Washington is called when referring to affairs of the City government) some limited "home rule" with Congressional oversight. Bad idea, because the Constitution says that the District is prohibited from statehood or being part of any state. This creates a political environment that is a "dead end". Once you're mayor, that's it. As a result the D.C. city government resembles a Gilbert and Sullivan parody of "Porgy and Bess".

Loons populate the city government, people with whacky ideas like the traffic chief who deliberately timed the lights to snarl traffic because he believed that driving and automobile in the city was immoral due to the pollution cars cause (so he guaranteed max pollution by ensuring traffic jams). And let's not even mention a certain past mayor, now a city councilman, and his affinity for cocaine. And for everything that has made national news, that ain't the tenth of it.

Now today I'm reading the Washington Times and I come across an article about some natural resources officials doing a survey of "invasive species" such as the northern snakehead fish. Here is what those boneheads do:

They zap the river with electricity and scoop up stunned northern snakeheads. Then they tag them with a notice to whoever catches the fish advising them to destroy it.

Then they release the fish back into the river.

Hey, morons.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO THE DAMN JOB WHILE YOU HAVE THE FREAKING FISH IN THE GODDAMN BOAT?

Yes, they really do that. And that's pretty much how every other problem in the city is handled.

It's so comforting to know that we in this Blessed Commonwealth can station Virginia State Police at the bridges and shut down the Metro tunnels. Thank God for the blessed Potomac River Moat.

ARTISANALE BOLOGNIAE

What the fresh freaking hell is with this trend to call EVERYTHING "artisanal"?

Here we are in the middle of what is, depending on which politician you talk to, a "recession" or a "weak recovery" but which if you check your wallet you can only call a tough time. People have less money but things keep getting more expensive, and it makes no sense that demand drops but price goes up. I guess there has to be some effort to justify this, or something. Ergo, this "artisanal" everything bullcrap.

Some things deserve the appellation. "Artisanal" mainly means "made by hand in small quantities by skilled craftsmen"(called artisans) with an eye toward extreme quality. There is artisinal furniture made from the finest woods and fabrics, lovingly made by hand (and costing a fortune). There is artisanal beef, made from cattle raised and tended as if they were gold-egg laying geese.

A shop across the street from my house sells "artisanal cheeses", and I do enjoy some of them. Stirring and pressing curds with elbow grease does seem to produce a product a cut or two above Velveeta.

One thing - to me - that disqualifies something as "artisanal" is having it shipped across the country by a fleet of 18-wheel semi rigs with the name of the product and "artisanal" on the side.  But here we are.

Of all things, Domino's Pizza and Dunkin' Donuts have recently seen fit to call parts of their product lines "artisanal", and I don't know which is the more risible.

Domino's has come out with a line of "artisanal" pizzas. They are not made by artisans, they are made by kids with zits who have one eye on the clock. So what, according to the ads, makes these pizzas "artisanal"?

Well, it's the fact that the toppings are "carefully selected" and cannot be changed. You can't have sausage on your "ham and tuscan roast vegetable" "artisan" pizza. Some guy in some office in some skyscraper halfway across the country decides what you'll get on your pizza, and that makes it artisan? Holy...

To me the most laughable incarnation is Dunkin' Donuts selling artisan bagels. ARTISAN FUCKING BAGELS?

The big joke is that a true bagel made in a true bagel shop is something of an artisan affair. The dough needs to be kneaded, shaped, and then boiled and then baked. hundreds can be made in one batch, but it's still a lot of work.  Still, a bagel is a humble and pedestrian thing - albeit mighty good especially with some cream cheese and smoked salmon - and in times past, a bagel maker would have laughed to scorn anyone who called him an artisan.

These "artisan" bagels are made in some factory and shipped on a truck to your local Fuckin' Gonuts, where they are heated up. As the ads explain, "artisan" means "pretty good bagel". Right.

Well, all this gives me a great idea. What I think I shall do is market fertilizer to the small farmers and home gardeners who produce "heirloom" (another word that is getting to be tiresomely overused) vegetables .

I'll call it "artisanal bullshit"  (and talk about trendy, bullshit is organic even!) I'll make millions.  Look out, world.

DEMOCRAT SHILLS: TRAITORS IN PATRIOT'S CLOTHING!

AS the general election looms closer and campaigns consolidate, "president" Obama and his minions see their power about to vanish. An old tactic has been dusted off and re-tooled for the purpose of deflating the threat of defeat in November.

Most of us have met people who claim to be Conservatives but then give a mournful prediction for November, mouthing such twaddle as: "the fix is in, and there's nothing we can do about it." or: "Obama's just too popular. What about all those young folks who voted for him? They'll be voting this time too. It's hopeless".

There may be a very few good, conservative folks who are yet basically simpletons who believe this, and these are those who mostly listen to the shills who mouth this twaddle in an effort to stem the coming tide of anti-Obama votes.  There are far too many people mouthing this garbage for ALL of them to be people who want Obama OUT but are genuinely discouraged. And they have been discouraged mainly by shills who tell them these things and know that they will spread the phony gloom.

Another thing we keep hearing, also from folks who pretend to be conservative but are - words fail us - NOT is: "(fill in name of Republican front runner) is no conservative. He's soft on (fill in issue) and I won't vote for him".  Again, there are some who are rabidly hyped on (fill in issue) and are sincere; but again most of the folks who say this stuff are Obama's butt-boys.  One way to tell for sure is if they follow up with "I won't vote for (fill in name of Republican front runner) even if it means four more years of Obama; OR EVEN MORE TELLING: "He's just the same as Obama, why bother voting?"

THE BEST WAY to know whether you are dealing with a truly discouraged conservative (who can be given hope and encouraged) or a Ron Paul supporter (who is best dealt with by changing the subject away from politics, these Ron Paulistas are freaking nuts); OR if you are dealing with an Obama shill, is to note their demeanor.

The Ubamanista shills will have either a hot, in-your-face hostility to them, or a certain smugness about them. That grim, half-smile is a dead giveaway.

But sincere, discouraged conservative or Ubamanista either one, DO NOT LISTEN TO THESE TRAITORS! What would have happened in 1942 to anybody who walked into a bar and started telling people the Japanese were going to win and offering lessons in Japanese is what ought to happen to these defeatists.  They need to be told to shut up and go to hell.

AL SHARPTON AND HIS ILK GET THEIR WISH - AND THEY MAY REGRET IT

BY NOW EVERYONE IS AWARE THAT GEORGE ZIMMERMAN HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR SECOND DEGREE MURDER in the case of the shooting of Trayvon Martin. This is what the rabble were shouting for - when they weren't shouting for an outright lynching.

Actually second-degree murder is what the law ASSUMES the killing of one person by another to be. The burden of proof is on the prosecution to increase the charge and on the defense to decrease it or show that there is "reasonable doubt". Since the rabble are demanding an arrest, well, now they have it. And that's bad news for the exploiters who have been stirring this for their own ends. 

Hearsay, rumor and speculation are not allowed in a court of law. All evidence is rigorously examined and contested to the max.

Many for instance have the image of Zimmerman pointing a pistol at a few feet away and firing, "standing his ground" like some urban cowboy.  From Zimmerman's account the pistol was fired at a distance of mere inches as he fought for control of it as he lay on the ground WITH NO OPPORTUNITY TO FLEE SO HE WAS NOT "STANDING HIS GROUND; HE HAD NO CHOICE. The truth or untruth of this can easily be determined by the severity and pattern of the "powder burns" produced by the fireball of burning propellant discharged along with the projectile.

One way or another the truth and nothing but the truth will come out in this very public trial. And if George Zimmerman is found NOT GUILTY by a jury of his peers, then what do you suppose the rabble will do?

TURNS OUT ALL YOU MAC USERS AREN'T IMMUNE AFTER ALL

IN MY DISCUSSIONS WITH SUNDRY FOLKS ABOUT THE VIRUS PROBLEM I JUST BEAT, I ENCOUNTERED MANY AN APPLE "MAC" USER WHO LOOKED AT ME PITYINGLY AND TOLD ME THAT "MACS DON'T GET VIRUSES".

Well, well.  I have just learned of a major attack specifically launched at Apple products.  Sorry, guys; and I hope the Mac community has developed the kind of network we PC users have evolved to deal with these pests (but you haven't).

Remember the ads a few years ago where some flannel-shirted hipster introduced himself with "I'm a Mac" and a grey flannel suited bespectacled fuddy-duddy introduced himself with "and I'm a PC"?

Remember how such benefits were touted as the magnetic power connection which guaranteed that tripping over the cord wouldn't pull the entire machine onto the floor and damage it? 

(Actually, we old fuddy-duddiies are smart enough to not get tangled up in electric cords. I guess kids will always need training wheels, though...)

And Macs had more of the features important to using them for recreational purposes. Which is great, but in addition to blogging and such I actually conduct serious business on my machine, so I prefer the IBM design.

And it was exactly the tendency for people who had serious business to conduct to use PCs which led to the concentration of hacking efforts on PCs.  You can't make a whole lot of money cheating broke-ass GenXers who live with their folks and use their Macs to tell each other who puked in whose car after listening to an evening of shlock poetry at some slam. 

But at some point the hackers were bound to get desperate and turn to hacking the Mac.  That point has been reached, and now the Mac is much more vulnerable than the PC, because most Mac users thought they would be immune forever. 

Remember the Maginot Line? (look it up on Wikipedia, you history challenged younguns) What y'all have there I call the MACinot Line. And the Germans just got around it. 

Fuddy duddy, eh?  Here's a quote from P.J. O'Rouke:

"Age, experience and guile trumps youth, good looks and a bad haircut"

Truer words......

EINE KLEIN GRATITUOUS LIBTARD-BASHING

THE SUBJECTS WE HAVE BEEN DISCUSSING HERE THE LAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN MIGHTY DEPRESSING, SO TODAY WE THOUGHT WE'D JUST GO FOR A DRIVE AND ADMIRE ALL THE BLOOMING FRUIT TREES. AND THIS GOT US THINKING THAT IT WOULD BE CATHARTIC TO POINT OUR VIRTUAL FLAMETHROWER AT A BLOOMIN' LIBTARD FRUIT.

DAVID BROCK is the homosexual who runs "Media Matters for America" He used to be a staunch conservative until he found out that gay guys who are conservative, even just fiscally conservative and not socially conservative, have on hell of a hard time getting laid and tend to get drinks thrown in their faces in gay bars.  Halfway through the first term of President George W. Bush he evidently got tired of having his tricks pull on their clothes and leave abruptly; and he wrote "Blinded by the Right: The Conscience of an Ex-Conservative".  Brock went on to found "Media Matters for America", an organization dedicated to magnifying and aggravating any blemish on any Conservative entity they can find and/or manufacture.  The technique is what we here at the Alexandria Daily Poop call "telling the truth, but not the whole truth and sometimes anything but the truth".

DESPITE CHARGES THAT HIS SUPPOSEDLY "EDUCATIONAL" NON-PROFIT "MEDIA MATTERS" IS ACTUALLY A POLITICAL ACTIVIST CONCERN AND THUS UNLAWFULLY CLAIMING TAX-EXEMPT STATUS, Brock insists he and "Media Matters" are squeaky clean.

Yet, back in February of this year Brock paid his "domestic partner" (ho ho ho) OVER THREE QUARTERS OF ONE MILLION DOLLARS TO KEEP QUIET ABOUT CERTAIN MATTERS INVOLVING THE IRS!!

Hold the phone. We thought Brock was one o' them tax-loving liberals. You know, the ones who think guys with a lot of dough are morally deficient and need to have their wealth "re-distributed" and spread around among the "have-nots".  Yet he can dip into his pocket and pull out 850 grand for a HUSH MONEY PAYMENT??

Well, Davey, at least you're gettin' some now, right?? Don't talk with your mouth full, David.