ISLAM EXPLAINED

WE AT THE ALEXANDRIA DAILY POOP HAVE NOT ADDRESSED THE TERRORIST MASSACRE AT FT. HOOD, KILLEEN, TEXAS because we believe suffficient has been written and said by persons closer to the investigation than we are. However many people do not realize that the globe is caught up in a famly feud that makes the Hatfields and McCoys look like an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond". Here is how the whole shebang we are in now got started:

ONCE UPON A TIME ABOUT 4,000 YEARS AGO there was a man named Abraham who married a woman named Sarah. Christians, Jews, and Moslems claim Abraham as the founder of their respective Faiths. Well, Abraham and Sarah were married for years and no luck with kids. So Sarah gave Abraham permission to ssleep with her maid so that he might have an heir. Abraham did so, and the maid, Hagar, gave birth to a little boy named Ishmael.

BUT SARAH BECAME JEALOUS OF HAGAR and threw her and the boy out of the house after smacking Hagar around. Now God, it is believed, had promised Abraham that He, God, would "Make of" Abraham "a great multitude". He also gave this promise to Ishmael. Anyway Sarah then herself became prefgnant by Abraham and bore him a son named Isaac. Then Sarah let Haagar come back into the house. They never really got along after that, though......

AND SO IT WAS THAT ISSAC BECAME THE FATHER OF JOSEPH, THE PATRIARCH OF ISRAEL AND THE JEWS, from whom would come Jesus and Christianity. Ishmael became the patriarch of the nomadic Arab tribes, who went about worshipping various versions of the Sumerian gods Baal and Molech.

FAST FORWARD TWO THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED YEARS OR SO. An Arab named Mohammed had a desire to unite all the Arab people, who fought each other over who had the best Baal and/or who Baal liked best; as well as over pastures and wells and just about anything else they could think of. Now Mohammed was nothing if not observant; and he observed that the Jews and the Christians seemed to have their acts pretty much together. And he divined that the concept of one God meant a few hundred less gods to fight about.

AND SO MOHAMMED HAD A MASTER STROKE OF INSPIRATION. He picked and chose verses from the Jewish and Christian Scriptures and mixed in some uniquely Arab viewpoints to make the whole thing go down well with Arabs; and created a religious text called the Koran, which he peddled as having been divinely revealed to he, Mohammed. In another masterpiece of political acumen, he had the various tribes deposit their idols to be "imprisioned" in the Kaaba Stone in Mecca. That way they could still be kinda-sorta bowing to the old gods when they faced Mecca to pray. (We bet you didn't know what was inside that big thing, did you??) For stubborn folks, there was the famous "conversion by the sword".

HOWEVER ISLAM'S BIGGEST APPEAL TO THE ARABS WAS AN APPEAL OF GROUP VICTIMHOOD. Ishmael, said Mohammed, was Abraham's Firstborn Son and Issaac had stolen the Blessings of God that passed through Abraham, and so you see no wonder the Jews and Christians were doing so well while the Arabs wandered the desert. The lousy Jews stole the Arab birthright to rule the planet. The whole business got out of hand rather quickly. Things got rather bloody in a lot of places, and cracks were developing in Islam itself.

THEN, WITHOUT HAVING BOTHERED TO NAME HIS SUCCESSOR AS HEAD OF ISLAM ON EARTH NOR TO DESIGNATE A PROCESS FOR CHOOSING ONE, MOHAMMAD DIED. This split Islam into two warrring camps: The Shia who believe the leader must be a descendant of Mohammed; and the Sunni who believe he should be chosen by the Imams. And these two split up into various sects. And the sons of Ishmael continue to fight the sons of Issaac (when they are not fighting each other) to this day.

NOW THIS WOULD NOT AMOUNT TO MUCH MORE THAN YOUR AVERAGE FAMILY FIGHT OVER WHO GETS GRANDPA'S HOUSE AND CAR except that this whole mess happens to have been plopped down on top of the largest deposits of energy reserves on the planet. Now the whole world has been dragged into this deadly family feud, and the dangers and consequenses are enourmous.

ALL THIS, because 4,000 years ago a married man named Abraham slept with a woman other than his wife. It is a real corker, isn't it??