Gentle readers, I fear that I have been misguiding you for these past nine years. Allow me to explain.
Like Media Matters chief and former right-wing activist David Brock, I have had an epiphany of sorts. And David, I am very sorry for all the bad things I have said about you. Please accept my apologies.
Like David I have come to realize that all my conservative ranting has its roots in my own selfish interest in maintaining my white privilege. My insistence in maintaining that the Second Amendment protects the individual right to keep weapons and carry them in public is based on a fear of other races and a wish to be armed to keep them at bay.
I now realize that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are the two wisest people ever to try to lead this country. And I had spit in the eye of social justice when I voted for Donald Trump, who is ruining the economy and the nation with his disastrous policies.
In my perverted conservative/nationalist beliefs I have failed to recognize that the Constitution is a living, breathing document whose meaning changes with the times. As is the Bible. We don't stone adulterers anymore; so that's proof of that.
As with the Constitution and the Bible, consideration of any statement must take into account the times and traditions in which the statement was made. Therefore today, April 1st 2017, we say all the above and announce that we are ceasing publication effective immediately.
F. Allen Norman Jr.
Editor in Chief
The Alexandria Daily Poop.