Friday, January 8, 2010


ZOOLOGISTS CLAIM TO HAVE FOUND A NEW SPECIES IN THE CITY OF WASHINGTON, District of Columbia. They have dubbed the new animal the "Greater False Shmoo" (Pseudophilanthropis Imperious). With this new classification, the rest of the genus Pseudophilanthropis have been reclassified as differing breeds and species of "Lesser False Shmoos".

The Greater False Shmoo is a mimic in that it attempts to imitate the Greater (true) Shmoo (Philanthropis Infinitus) . P.Infinitus was known to be so oriented toward giving that if it sensed a human was hungry it would cook itself and morph into whatever dish was desired. Some skepticism has been expressed that P. Infinitus ever existed; but the existence of the Lesser (true) Shmoos tends to point in the opposite direction. These lesser Shmoos include everything from Philanthropis Holyorderis (dedicated to helping the poor and indigent) through Philanthropis Neighboris (dedicated to helping wherever it lives however it can and in many often mundane ways). Lesser shmoos can inter breed and produce many interesting variations. Oddly enough they are seldom noticed, and often taken for granted, but the nature of Philanthropis is such that they are mostly oblivious as their very instinct is to do what they do.

The False Shmoos; or Pseudophilanthropis; attempt to mimic the True Shmoos except that they expect recognition for all their "giving"; and in fact attempt to get more in return than what they give. The lowest of this order is PseudoP. Confidensis, which will attempt to convince someone to part with great value for a pittance. However all members of Pseudophilanthropis share this characteristic to some degree, but perhaps none with such clever mimicry of the True Philanthropis than Pseudophilanthropis Politicus.

PseudoP. Politicus has several subspecies, from PP. Localis (which acts locally as on homeowner associations, town councils and the like) to Pp.Congressionalis; further divided into Pp. Representatus and Pp. Senatoris. These tend to congregate in Washington, DC; and it is from among the Pp. Senatoris that the Great False Shmoo is said to have originated. (There is rumored to be a species of the True shmoos, Philanthropis Politicus, who congregate at all levels with Pseudophilanthropis Politicus; but for the most part sooner or later these tend to become infected with a mysterious virus that transforms their genetic makeup to that of Pseudophilanthropis. )

Also all variations of Philanthropis and Pseudophilanthropis can cross-breed with various results. In almost every case however the genes of Pseudophilanthropis dominate in the offspring.

The Great False Shmoo is thought to be a unique variety, the ultimate result of all of this cross-breeding and infective genetic change. Pseudophilanthropis Imperious is the mimic of the original Greater True Shmoo by leif of the fact that it promises to be anything to anyone and everything to everyone; but instead of making itself dinner it will fry and serve up any member of Pseudophilanthropis or even Philanthropis Legitimii that it can trick into the skillet.

As with the Lesser false shmoos, the Great False Shmoo is dedicated to a front of service to others while using this as a thinly veiled facade for their true purpose of self-service. Oddly enough, the Great False Shmoo, inits quest for self-aggrandizement, shows signs of leading the Lesser False Shmoos into near-extinction (see: lemming). Total extinction is not in any case likely, as dormant Pseudophilanthropis genes are likely to remain and randomly activate in the populations of Philanthropis Legitimii for as long as that species remains.

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