SEPTEMBER 23RD 2017: RELAX, FOLKS, THE PLANET WON'T EXPLODE TOMORROW

We have been hearing comments about tomorrow bringing dire events on the Planet Earth. Relax.

The first comment was that some "mystery planet" would collide with ours. That's a lot of hooey (rhymes with "phooey"). I guess since the Weekly World News went out of business (do we ever miss Ed Anger!) the folks peddling imminent catastrophe and "Bible foods to keep you young" have turned to the Internet to peddle their garbage. 

The second comment may have some actual Biblical significance, such as heralding the onset of the "Tribulation" which will precede Armageddon. It concerns a constellation and the planetary motions around it which seem to recap the story of the Virgin Mary, the birth of Jesus, and Satan's attempt to destroy Jesus before he could complete His sacrificial mission. In the end, the constellation representing Satan throws one third of the stars to Earth (symbolic of the angels who joined Satan in his mutiny against God) and ends with the warning: "Woe to the inhabitants of the Earth! For the Devil has come down to you having great wrath; for he knoweth his time is short". 

The following interpretation of this event is mine alone:

This celestial event is a sign that the end times are coming rapidly. The main event of the end will be an attack on Israel to be carried out by Russia, China, Iran and their allies, of course with Satan urging it all on. Before this will be the reign of the Antichrist and the famous 666 that everyone will have to be marked with to buy food or pay rent. Before that will be the Rapture of the believers out of these troubles. This Rapture might happen tomorrow, or not. But this heavenly sign doesn't mean the world will end tonight.

Only that it's getting very, very close. And one only need to look at the news to confirm that.

PRESIDENT TRUMP SOCKS IT TO UNITED NATIONS GENERAL ASSEMBLY BUT GOOD

Yesterday President Donald John Trump addressed the General Assembly of the United Nations and delivered a speech that knocked the ball out of the park. We didn't comment on it as we wanted to sample the unhinged reactions of the ASPs (American Statist Progressives) to the speech first. The ASPs did not disappoint.

Particularly Trump's excoriation of socialism was treated as a fart at a Holy Communion service. He also called Islamic Extremism by its name as the enemy.  And he warned the Norks that if they continued to follow "Rocket Man" Kim Jong Un that they would share his grave. 

President Trump plainly laid out his position on dealing with threats to America and her allies. We believe that he gave new hope to those in Iran who wish to overthrow the deranged theocrats who bear rule in that benighted nation.

So too bad ASPs. Trump made it plain that these nutball dictatorships have gotten their last free blow job from an American President in a good, long time. 

Hail Trump!

TOYS R US EMPLOYEES BEWARE OF THIS BANKRUPTCY SCHEME

If you work for "Toys "R" us particularly in Virginia, you are doubtless aware that the company is filing for bankruptcy protection. They may be about to pull a little scam to screw you out of unemployment benefits. Here's how it works (Magruders pulled this same crap):

They'll tell you that the company is "reorganizing" under Chapter 11 and say that a new company will be formed and in order to b e considered you must resign and re-apply.

WARNING! DO NOT RESIGN! IN VIRGINIA YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO COLLECT UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS IF YOU RESIGN AND IF TOYS ARE US DOES WHAT MAGRUDERS DID THEY WILL WAIT UNTIL EVERYBODY HAS RESIGNED AND SCREWED THEMSELVES OUT OF UNEMPLOYMENT AND OTHER BENEFITS AND THEN CHANGE FROM CHAPTER 11 REORGANIZATION TO STRAIGHT CHAPTER 7 LIQUIDATION.

Do not fall for this dirty trick, and don't believe the suits when they tell you everything's fine. It's not. Be careful and don't resign until you've found something else. Lotsa luck.

ANGRY MOB OF ILLEGALS SHOUTS DOWN NANCY PELOSI FOR WORKING WITH TRUMP

You see, Gentle Readers, we told you so!

Just like in Hunt for Red October, President Trump has turned the torpedo coming for him right back at the enemy, and it has blown up in their faces. Yesterday Nancy Pelosi sought to have a press conference when a mob of illegals showed up and started shouting her down for the crime of having even met with Trump about anything at all. We believe President Trump knew exactly what would happen when he allowed himself to be seen eating and perceived to be negotiating with Pelosi and Schumer. These illegals are largely ignorant and are rightly suspicious that the Democrats are just using them and will toss them under the ICE bus as soon as they are inconvenient.

People, President Trump knows the Democrat playbook, having been one. And he knows how they perceive the "little guys" they are trying to "help". He knew this would happen, and now Pelosi and Schumer are catching hell from these illegals who thought that the Democrats were there to help them. 

Heading 3-1-5! 

TRUMP MAKES HIS HEADING 3-1-5, REPUBLICANS FREAK

Remember the movie "Hunt for Red October"? Sean Connery plays a Russian officer who wants to defect and give a top-secret nuclear ballistic missile sub to the United States. The Soviets guess his game and send an attack sub to destroy both him and Red October. Eventually the attack sub, captained by a young officer who had studied under him at the Soviet Naval Academy, launches a torpedo at Red October. Connery's character instructs the American at the helm to head right into the torpedo, saying: "Make your heading 3-1-5. As the Russians and Americans sweat and count down the seconds to impact, Connery makes small talk. And when the torpedo hits, it does not explode but breaks apart. Connery explains that he knows the other boat's captain as he taught him at the Academy and knew he would set the torpedo to arm itself at a certain point, thus he guided Red October to meet the torpedo head-on before it was armed, destroying it. Later the opposing captain fires again and Connery, knowing he won't make the same mistake twice, executes a series of maneuvers that cause the opposing sub to become the target of the torpedo. The opposing sub is killed by her own weapon.

Similarly, a few days ago President Trump had dinner with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer and let it slip that some deals had been made. Most conservative talk hosts and the entire Republican establishment is freaking out. 

Relax, folks.

President Trump knows Pelosi. He knows Schumer. He used to be a Democrat and knows the playbook. And he is well aware that Pelosi and Schumer want to destroy him. 

Let the Captain make the heading 3-1-5. He knows what he's doing.

CITIZENS AND BUSINESSES REACT TO PLANS TO CHANGE THE NAME OF JEFFERSON DAVIS HIGHWAY IN ALEXANDRIA AND ARLINGTON VIRGINIA

The governing Councils of the City of Alexandria and the County of Arlington in the Commonwealth of Virginia today announced that the portion of U.S. Route 1 running through the two jurisdictions; currently known as Jefferson Davis Highway; will be renamed "Martin Luther King Junior Memorial Highway" pending approval of the State legislature, which is needed for the change to proceed in Arlington. 

We interviewed some residences and businesses along the route of the proposed change. Surprisingly, although the corridor voted overwhelmingly for Obama in 2008 and 2012 and for Clinton in 2016, the residents and business owners were largely not pleased by the development.

Shopkeeper after shopkeeper told our investigators that they were pleased to have their shop located on a route named after such an important icon, but that the costs of changing letterhead and signage would be burdensome. At several of these locations corrugated steel rolldown doors were being installed, having just that day been ordered. Only one merchant was deliriously happy: Harvey's Custom Signs; whose owner Harvey Smithers told us he had been cranking out "FOR SALE BY OWNER" signs as fast as he could print them. Smithers, who is African American, told the ADP:

"See, I ain't no fool. I know all these liberal white folks in Del Ray and Crystal City can't stand th' notion of having to tell folks to take a right or a left off of Martin fuckin' Luther King t' get t' they house. So I found out about this yesterday and set up to print out these signs. They cost me a dollar to make and I sell 'em for twenty bucks. So far today I made fifty thousand dollars. And my brother owns a moving company, so I steer people to him.'

'Talk about affordable housing. The politicians gonna have lotsa affordable housing within days of that name change taking effect. My brother and me gonna buy a bunch of it. Then we gonna rent 'em out. Then, when the City realizes that the tax assessments is way down, they greedy asses gonna change the name back and give some lame excuse, and all the whiteys gonna wanna move back an' my brother an' me are gonna like buy houses at $25 thou each and sell 'em back to the whiteys for the three or four hundred grand they paid in the first place. Then we gonna move to someplace where white folks ain't so goddamn crazy."

Mayor Silberberg and the City Manager and Council did not respond to the ADP's request for comments.

Note: ONCE AGAIN THIS IS A SATIRE! However, in this case the possibility of it coming true is all too real.