CONTROVERSY ERUPTS AFTER ALT RIGHT OBTAINS PERMIT TO ERECT STATUE OF JOHN WILKES BOOTH AT FORD'S THEATER

Washington, D.C.

August 27 2017

City officials in the Nation's Capital are red with embarrassment as they struggle to quash a "special use" building permit obtained by "Alt Right" leader Spencer Richards. The purpose of the permit is to allow the demolition of a souvenir shop across the street from Ford's Theater (and next to the house where President Abraham Lincoln died) in order that a statue memorializing what Richards calls "The alleged" assassin of Lincoln, Confederate sympathizer and actor John Wilkes Booth.

The property was purchased by a "front group" and the Special Use permit stated only that the property was to be used as the site of "a memorial".  

"We just assumed it was gonna be a memorial by some private person, and that the subject of the memorial was going to be President Lincoln' said a D.C. official who declined to be identified.  'I mean, who could have even thought about this crazy-ass shit happening here in the 21st Century? And less than a month after Charlottesville?"

"We just wanted to get the truth out' said Richards when asked why his group had performed such an elaborate ruse. 'Booth didn't shoot Lincoln. Lincoln shot himself, and Booth fled thinking - and rightly so - that he'd be blamed for Lincoln's death".

Richards claims that Booth had only gone to Ford's Theater to deliver a message to Lincoln:

"Lincoln had been drinking heavily during the last few weeks of the war' Richards claimed; 'And Booth went to the Theater to inform the President of the fact that he had freed the slaves whilst he had been drunk. He was carrying a letter informing the President of that fact as he approached the Presidential Box."

Richards produced a copy of the letter, which he claimed had been found in the alley behind Ford's Theater by an unknown person and given to Richard's organization by descendants of that individual, who wish to remain anonymous. The letter reads:

Dear Mr. President:

It is my concern that you did not, by reason of your inebriation, know what you were doing when you freed all the slaves earlier this year. Please reflect on this fact, and rescind your order. Respectfully, JWB.

According to Richards, Booth told Dr. Samuel Mudd that when Lincoln read the letter, he gasped, started and handed the missive back to Booth as he said "I FREED THE WHAT!??!!" Handing the letter back to Booth, Lincoln drew a derringer from his pocket and shot himself in the head. 

As to additional elements to the assassination, Richards claims that Mary Todd Lincoln told Major Rathbone that if Lincoln's death were deemed a suicide, she would be ineligible to benefit from the multimillion dollar life insurance policy on Lincoln's life. So Rathbone stabbed himself with a dagger and threw it into the alley where Booth was escaping. 

The other alleged "conspirators", claims Richards, were people Booth knew and were only coincidentally involved with incidents erroneously tied to the assassination. George Atzerott was only trying to burglarize Vice President Johnson's hotel suite; and Louis Paine attempted to kill Secretary of State Seward for drugging his 12 year old niece with laudanum and molesting her in the woods in what is now Rock Creek Park. 

Richards' claims have been met with extreme skepticism by most members of the public, and City officials have filed for a restraining order forbidding the "alt right" from doing any work or demolition on the site while they attempt to revoke the permit on grounds of fraud and deception by Richards and his group. The next hearing on this matter is scheduled in D.C. Superior Court for October 13th.

Note to readers: The foregoing post is SATIRE. NO ONE (at least to our knowledge) is planning such and outrageous memorial. This blog post is nothing but satire... and click bait. Got it? 

THE RACIST ECLIPSE

That's right folks, you read right. Some whiny lady discovered that the "path of totality" of today's eclipse of the sun passed over only areas with majority white populations. 

Two things: Number one, the eclipse did NOT "pass over" anyplace. everybody saw it at the same Grenwich Meridian Time. What looks like a "path" is just where you'd have needed to be to see the full effect at XX:XX Hours Greenwich Meridian Time,

Number two: HOW FUCKING STUPID AND/OR OBSESSED DO YOU HAVE TO BE to believe that there are racial implications to a fucking eclipse? Somebody needs a straitjacket and a rubber room. Cripes. Need we elaborate? Stupidest thing I have heard in a long time. sheeesh.

MEDIA GOES OFF THE RAILS IN CHARLOTTESVILLE REPORTING

We cannot believe the utter bullcrap being peddled by the Left and the media about the Charlottesville riots of last week. 

Perhaps the most egregious statements are those who compared the filthy hippies (who just showed up unpermitted and uninvited and began raising hell) to "noble and heroic" figures in history. They have been compared to the troops who invaded Normandy to take down Adolf Hitler's criminal regime. They have also been compared to the people who fought the German National Socialist Worker's Party in the streets before the Nazis took power. 

What a load of crapola.

The American forces at Normandy took the toughest of the obstacles at their assigned beachheads. We rather doubt that any of the "ANTIFA" blowholes would have obeyed orders to scale cliffs with ropes dangling from grappling hooks while the Waffen SS fired down on them. 

And the people who fought the NSDAP in the streets in Germany were BOLSHEVIKS. They were a pack of goddamned Communists whose ultimate aim was a similar world totalitarian state as desired by the Nazis. It was smallpox vs. ebola then, and it's smallpox vs ebola now. 

And of course there are calls for stricter gun control, even though there was not one shot fired the whole time. In fact, the armed "militias" who showed up arguably prevented things from getting WORSE; as some of these got between the "alt right" and the ANTIFA idiots, who had more sense than to try to fuck with men who had rifles. 

The Second American Civil War continues to heat up, and the Media are fanning the flames. God help America. And God bless President Trump.

THE FACTS ABOUT THE CHARLOTTESVILLE VIRGINIA RIOT

GENTLE READERS, if you are confused about the events that transpired in Charlottesville over the weekend, we are not surprised. Rather than reporting the FACTS, almost every member of the media was doing his or her best to tie everything to President Trump and make him look as bad as possible. 

Ignore all the posturing and read the facts here at the Alexandria Daily Poop.

FACT I: The "alt right" demonstrators had secured a permit for their assembly. And despite the extreme unpopularity of the political and racial viewpoints of this group and the various sects of National Socialism and the Ku Klux Klan, their right to argue them in public is protected by the First Amendment to the Constitution. (So is the right of the public to leave them listening to the crickets when they finish). 

FACT II: The hordes of filthy hippies who call themselves the :ANTIFA" (ANTI FAscist ) movement are in fact the same bunch of freeloading troublemakers who infested city after city in the "occupy and shit on the cop cars" movement. These people are largely a BUNCH OF IDIOTS who came to Charlottesville equipped with home made armor and blunt force weapons (chains,  clubs, etc.) with the express purpose of causing as much trouble as possible. These lice did NOT have any sort of permit, they just showed up and immediately began to egregiously disturb the peace. We don't know who "threw the first punch"; but we DO know that the folks throwing bags and balloons full of piss and shit were not the licensed demonstrators.

FACT III: Charlottesville, like every other place where these "ANTIFA" blowholes pull their crap is run by DEMOCRATS. This in our estimate explains why the Charlottesville police did not immediately get between the two groups and in fact pushed them together. 

FACT IV: President Trump was right when he said the blame rests with all sides. It does indeed take TWO to tangle.

FACT V: There is nothing good to say about either side here. Thinking people realize that what was seen down in Charlottesville was nothing more or less than "Smallpox meets Ebola" Nobody wants their town to be a Petri dish for these microbes. 

There is nothing more to elaborate on than these facts. We are sick of hearing the fake newsies trying to tie the President to these events and distorting the facts and even blatantly making things up. You can no longer trust the lamestream driveby media. Send these idiots an Email and tell them you trust the Alexandria Daily Poop more than them. Now on to some important issues, please.

AN OLD RIDDLE AND THE MODERN AMERICAN STATIST PROGRESSIVE RESPONSE

Abraham Lincoln was fond of repeating this riddle:

"If you call a dog's tail a leg, how many legs does it have?"

Of course there were morons who replied "five"; but of course there were mostly intelligent people who realized that just calling an appendage a leg did not make it a leg (although many men who were in the service are familiar with observing in the common shower facilities another male who was so endowed as to be said to have a "third leg"; but we regress...)

Come now the American Statist Progressives, who as usual wish to answer any question so as to be taken in a way which will benefit their broader argument. Ask an ASP this riddle and he will say something along these lines: 

"Well, it depends. There have been great advances in veterinary medicine in the last few decades, so if the dog had been crippled it is entirely possible that his tail and the controlling muscles might be adapted for locomotion and thus considered a leg. And if part of the crippled leg still played a part in the dog's locomotion, you might say the dog had five legs. But if the affected leg were useless or missing, then the dog would still have only four legs. And if the tail did not compensate sufficiently for the missing leg, then the poor animal would have in reality only three legs."

Straight answers are an uncommon commodity among ASPS. 

PRESIDENT TRUMP'S POLLS RISE THE MORE THE LEFT ATTACKS HIM FOR HIS KOREA POLICY; LEFTIST MEDIA TYPES ANGRY AND SHOW IT

Yes, Gentle Readers, it's true. A couple of the more reputable polls are reporting President Trump's approval numbers to be in the mid-40s and rising since he has begun dealing with the Norks in the only language they understand. The lamestream drive-by media is going bananas as a result. 

It is important to note that just about every entity in the American media has all but come out and announced that their mission is no longer to report the news; but rather to gather and disseminate as much derogatory information about the President as possible. As such the American media and especially CNN News and the Washington Post newspaper are absolutely NOT to be trusted or taken seriously. 

And so at this writing CNN is featuring an old leftist blowhard who is angrily holding forth that "You just do not do this (talk like President Trump), you use every means of diplomacy' blah blah blah. 

 Really? "Every means of diplomacy" has been done to death since Kim Il Sung bit the dust. The Norks were promised and received all kinds of food aid and money, which they collected and promptly resumed the same old same-o. Now they have tiny nukes and the means to deliver them, and they are really cranking up the old nuclear blackmail machine. 

Well, cometh the hour, cometh the man. President Trump has, in his capacity as a real estate developer in New York City, had to deal with mob types. He knows how to deal with hoodlums. and today he said our military option is "Locked and loaded". Some idiot reporter asked him breathlessly what that meant. The President said that the Norks know damn well what it means. 

(If you don't, we'll tell you. It means a rifle with a round in the chamber and the bolt locked closed and ready to fire. If the safety is off, the weapon is said to be "cocked and locked".)

This is why President Trump is gaining approval. Americans don't like to be shoved around, especially by some pissant who wants to play tough guy. And we can assure both you and the pissant, President Trump is NOT playing games. 

THE FLAP OVER PRESIDENT TRUMP'S WARNING TO NORTH KOREA

Folks, we apologize for not putting out our immediate reaction to the President's statement to North Korea (except to say that the Norks had best take Trump seriously). But it is our practice to make sure we have sifted through all the nonsense being uttered by parties all around before we comment on it.

We are glad we finally have a President who will no longer play patty-cake with a pissant country whose capital city (Pyongyang) sounds like a "Slinky" toy or two being tumbled in a clothes dryer. Nevertheless, we have lots of folks here in the USA who would rather damage President Trump than deal effectively with a clear and present danger. 

So we have all these congressmen and senators and media hypes gasping in horror as they call the President's statement "Unpresidential".  But in researching that claim, we find that President Harry S. Truman promised the Japanese a "rain of ruin from the air the like of which has never been seen" if they did not surrender pronto.  And he proceeded to deliver.

Disgraced newsman Brian Williams stated that the job of the media was to "scare people to death" to silence talk of a "first strike".  Pardon us, but we don't think the job of the media is to manipulate people's emotions or "scare" them into or out of supporting this or that, except in a dictatorship.

The left wasted no time in portraying President Trump as a madman and a reckless warmonger who is going to get us all killed. This in turn emboldened the Norks to threaten to nuke Guam and deride President Trump's remarks as "a load of nonsense". 

In the end, the Norks know very well that they have been put on notice. Kim Jong Un cares very much about his own big fat ass, and he knows what will happen if he does attack Guam. Seeing that Kim is in no hurry to die, Guam will be fine. 

HERE at the ADP, we believe there's an excellent chance China will finally act to defuse a dangerous situation by instituting a military coup d'etat. They do that, problem solved. For the time being.

CAREFUL, MISTER KIM. YOU ARE PLAYING WITH THERMONUCLEAR FIRE.

North Korea was today reported to be in possession of several to several dozen weaponized small nuclear devices capable of being fitted onto an ICBM. He of course began running his yap about using them... on US.

When asked about this, President Trump said that Kim "Best stop" threatening the USA and if he didn't knock off the 'tude he would be met with "Fire and fury such has never been seen on Earth."

Kim responded by having a factotum say that the Nork military was waiting only for Kim's order to begin a "strike" at Guam.

Do that, Fatso, and your entire country and you will be promptly turned into the world's biggest piece of Corningware (trademark).

Don't think that President Trump won't do it. You are not dealing with Barack Obama anymore; and if you think our Congress and media will be able to stop President Trump you have another think coming. And you can have it right between the time you see the flash and the blast wave arrives.  

Try anything funny, Porky; and th-th-th-that's all folks. 

And remember with your last thoughts that you have been a long time asking for exactly what you are getting. You loony toon.

SELF DRIVING CARS IMMINENT? IN A PIG'S EYE THEY ARE

We have decided to take a little respite from politics today and discuss the idiotic common belief that "driverless" automobiles will soon put taxis (and semi trucks and Ubers etc.) out of business. 

Those who subscribe to this lunacy state that "Autonomous vehicles" will "eliminate human error" in driving. But unless God Himself is doing the programming, it's being done by error prone humans. Which means that far from being eliminated, human error will be coded in permanently.

And, let's not forget how much information a driver is bombarded with in the course of operating a motor vehicle. Consider that some of it may not be immediately relevant to the task at hand (like a girl in a thong bikini walking down the road) but may immediately become relevant (such as when said girl suddenly runs across the street to greet her similarly bird brained boyfriend). A computer won't recognize the threat before it becomes a threat. A human driver will realize that the girl has a nice butt, but also realize that teen ditzes do stupid stuff and will be prepared for just such an event. And all this information will be running in the background of a human driver's attention span; along with other signs of possible trouble (such as a car sitting at a cross street waiting to enter the stream of traffic. The human's visual "sensors" - his eyes - are able to pick up multiple visual inputs at once; such as how fast approaching and same direction traffic is moving AND if the car on the cross street's wheels are rotating; not to mention the aforementioned bikini-clad lass.) And when any of it becomes indicative of a possible impending emergency, the human brain can come up with possible avoidance scenarios BEFORE they are needed and modify them mid crisis as new information is received. This involves the receiving and processing of multiple thousands of bits of information in a thousandth of a second. To attain that level of processing would require three Cray "Supercomputers" linked together. These supercomputers are each the size of a small broom closet and must be constantly cooled;  which begs the question: Where do you put the passenger?

On top of all of this, we don't believe the geniuses who are trying to foist these "autonomous cars" off on the public will EVER convince people to let some robot take the wheel of a vehicle they are riding in. We want to go where we want to go when we want to go there, and we like to have control. 

There are some people who are so stupid they actually want these "self driving autos". We met one of them the other day. Her reason for wanting this technology?

Quote: "I don't like to have to think about what I'm doing"

No, unfortunately that is a real quote from a real Millennial ditz, who will probably wind up with 2016's "Idiot of the Year" prize in this blog. 

Back in the 1960s we were supposed to have "flying cars" by now. We don't. and we won't. 

Like "flying cars". "self driving" cars are a self-gratification fantasy for this age.  Even if they existed, they would cost as much as an F22 Raptor fighter jet. Self Driving Cars? Not in the lifetime of anyone living today. Get serious, folks.